Why can't I just crave chocolate?

So in the past almost 9 days I have had good luck in not craving beer too much in the middle of the day, like I normally would.  TODAY IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS!  I want one really bad.  I am not going to.....but I can't help but crave.  It is so odd how randomly those thoughts happen. 

On a side note, I have my first appointment with my shrink tonight.  Fairly nervous.  AHA....maybe THAT'S why I am craving.  Uncovering truths about myself daily.  I will update with thoughts on my meeting tomorrow.

Eyes opened and proud

Five.  That is how many days I had down.  Five. The number of draft Coors Lights I had Saturday night during my birthday shindig.  I should feel bad, but I don’t surprisingly.  Having those few drinks was eye opening for me.  And here is why….

When I had that first sip I figured that I would have that “Oh I have missed you, you luscious favorite suds of mine”.  But to my surprise it was as gratifying as drinking a cup of water.  This was a good turn of events.  It showed me that I had not missed it as much as I thought I would. 

I was more conscious of the amount of beer I was drinking.  I usually would count the amount of beers and if it was a night out I usually lost track.  But that night I had five.  I am 100% sure of it.  And I also drank the crap out of some water. 

I realized while there, and with a buzz, that I probably would have had a better time if I did not drink.  This is huge for me, as I always thought I NEEDED to have a buzz to have fun. Quite the opposite.   Weird.

I had the WORST hangover yesterday and I was pissed about it.  I was pissed because I only had five beers AND I drank water.  I was bummed that my entire Sunday was spent nursing said dumb hangover.  The only plus side is that I got to take a nap, which I never do.

On a side note, Sunday used to be the day to start drinking at one and stopped when I went to bed, since football was on all day.  Drinking was the last thing that I wanted to do, and not just from having a hangover.

So I write this blog today to say that I do not feel bad for breaking my non drinking streak.  It let me know that I am not missing out on much.  It let me know that every once in a while I can have a drink socially and I will not pick up a 12 pack on the way home to continue drinking.  It also let me know that I am a strong person who just needs to keep up the good work.  My brain (and liver) grow stronger by the day.  Today I have to say that I am dang pretty proud of myself. 

Second Chance

It is amazing how much time you have on your hands when you are not drinking.  I guess when I was drinking 6-8 beers a night I was lazy.  My kitchen has never been clean this many days in a row!  I also was in the bad habit of going to sleep without taking off my makeup.  Since diving into this healthier path I have notice a lot changing about myself...

1. I have been starting to eat better.  Not counting calories or anything.  Just eating healthier.  I am lucky to live in a place that has a farmers market with an organic grocery, a Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and an organic depot.  There are probably more out there that I don't even know about.  Even before I started my non-drinking trip I started eating more vegetables and less of the crap. 
2. I am diving more into my religion.  For years I have known that I am not Christian.  Over ten, in fact.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that nature was my religion.  I don't even know if I would technically call myself a Pagan.  But, I am going to my first class tonight where all types of paganism will be discussed (Shamanism, Druidism, Wicca), along with other areas of the practice.  Should be interesting.  I am also looking to go to the local Universal Unitarian Church. 
3. I have made my first appointment with a shrink.  I know that I shouldn't call them that, as it makes it seem as though I am not serious about it.  But trust me, I am.  I have know for a long time that I have a lot of underlying issues that have never been dealt with.  It is amazing how one person, or in my case more than one person, can affect your life for the long run.  I have to get rid of the ghosts.

Those are the three big ones that I am working on now.  This blog, along with my mentor Unpickled's blog, will help me along my journey.  It is nice to see other people battling right along with me and giving me strength.  Oh, and I have I mentioned that I am on day four?  Go me!
*FullofSuds

Today should have been a normal Monday.  The morning began with the normal chaos of getting the Hubby and the Boy out of the door.  Walk the pooch.  Drive to work and punch the keyboard for 8.5 hours. Then go home and relax from another day of being a full time working mom.  But today is DIFFERENT.  Today will be harder than the last hundred + Mondays.  Why you ask?  Because today is DAY ONE.
I have known for quite some time that I am addicted to alcohol.  I am not one of the many alcoholics that is in denial about my addiction.  I have tried many times to stop or at least limit my intake.  But beer is SO GOOD.  I can easily down at least 6 of those luscious suds a night. 
My addiction began after I quit smoking 6 and a half years ago.  Replace one with the other.  Great idea.  Then I got pregnant a few months later.  That was the hardest 9 months ever.  Craving beer the entire time.  After giving birth I used the "beer makes the milk come in" excuse for cracking my first post preggo beer.  Heaven.  I wasn't in full fledged need to get drunk ever night mode at this point.  I was pumping so my drunken escapades had to be planned out.  I was not drinking every night at home at this point.
Fast forward a few years.  The Boy started going to preschool and I was already back to work full time.  It wasn't until a few months later that the school pointed out some things that were different about the Boy.  Long story short we found out that he had a learning disability and would need to go to preschool special ed.  (It wasn't until last summer when we took him to a neurologist that we found out that he has PDD-NOS).  This was devastating to me.  I grew up with learning issues and it SCARRED ME. I did not want that for my son.  Here is where my drinking started to spiral out of control.  Nightly drinking that would entail guzzling a 6 pack a night. 
Over the past year it has been the worst.  At least 6 beers a night.  On packed the pounds.  15 to be exact.  You would think this would make me stop.  No.  It didn't.  I just ate better.  Great.  At least I am not gaining anymore.  Just not losing. 
It wasn't until a month ago when I got a groupon for Hypnotherapy that my path started to shift.  I thought "hey, maybe this will make me stop drinking". I went to talk to the lady and after talking to her for a few minutes about my issue with the drink she said "you realize that you didn't come here for your drinking.  You are using the alcohol to numb yourself because you are devastated about your son.  I would suggest therapy". Whoa.  What a wake up call.  This lady that had only met me 5 minutes before figured out something that never even occurred to me.  Numbing.  I am numbing myself.  I get it now.  And it makes sense to me.
So I am jumping in.  I have gone to my doctor to get some suggestions for therapists.  This is my DAY ONE.  You may ask why today.  Well for the past week or so I have noticed my right side hurting right behind my ribcage.  And guess what is there ladies and gentleman.  You got it.  My liver.  My poor liver.  I have to do this now.  TODAY.  I want to be there when my son graduates high school, gets married, etc.  I don't want to die from liver disease. So with the help of this blog (which ='s accountability) I hope to make it to DAY TWO and beyond......

*FullofSuds